How to Talk With Your Kid About Consent
Teaching your kid about consent can feel daunting, especially because the topic is often nuanced and emotionally fraught. But establishing the skill early is critical to protecting your child and empowering them to stand up for themselves in situations they may encounter. Whether you have a 6-year-old or a teen who’s about to head off to college, it’s a good time to have ongoing conversations about being safe in their relationships with others. Here are some recommendations for how to do this at every age.
What Is Consent?
Consent is essentially permission. The term is usually used in a sexual context to describe whether someone has agreed to a certain sexual action. But, it can also be used in other scenarios, like to show whether someone has given permission to let you enter their home, track their data online, or share a photo of them.
How to Teach Consent
There are so many different factors that can go into figuring out when — and how — to talk with your kid about consent. You know your child best, so you have the fullest understanding of what they’re individually ready for, what might upset them, and the best method for introducing a conversation about a serious subject.
To accompany your insights into your kid’s personalized needs, here are some recommendations for how to broach the topic at different developmental stages.
Teaching Consent to Young Kids (4–8)
Young kids don’t need a lot of details — or even to be familiar with the concept of sex — in order to start practicing consent.
1. Call your child’s genitals by their anatomically correct terms.
Younger kids may only know their genitals by nicknames or by the umbrella term “private parts,” but being more accurate about the terminology actually empowers and helps to protect them.
According to Laura Palumbo, a prevention specialist with the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, letting your child use anatomically correct terms discourages predators and equips your kid to accurately tell you (and law enforcement) about abuse.
2. Talk about “safe secrets” and “unsafe secrets.”
One thing perpetrators almost always do is tell the child to keep what’s happening between them a secret. Walk your child through examples of what differentiates a safe secret from an unsafe secret so they clearly know what is okay to keep quiet about and what isn’t.
Two helpful distinctions are 1) whether the secret will make someone sad or happy, and 2) whether the secret will be kept forever or will soon be revealed.
For example, it’s okay for them to wait to tell their sibling what they got them for their birthday. That’s a surprise that will make their sibling happy, and it’s something they will eventually be told about.
It’s not okay for your child to keep a secret about an adult hurting them because it would make you sad and it’s not something the adult is saying they can eventually reveal.
3. Discuss Who Can See and Touch Your Child’s Genitals
Online predators often ask for CSAM (child sex abuse materials) under the guise of modeling photos. They don’t always make it clear that their request is sexual at all — especially when communicating with young children.
Help your child know exactly what is appropriate by talking through when it’s safe to let someone see their genitals (and who they may show them to). In this stage, it’s likely that only their parent/caregiver and their doctor may do this.
4. Practice Consent in Age-Appropriate Ways
There are definitely ways your younger child can practice consent in non-sexual ways. Here are a couple of suggestions for how to get the concept across.
Stop tickling someone when they ask you to
Get permission before taking a bite of your classmate’s sandwich
Say “no” if you don’t want to sit on a relative’s lap
Ask your sibling if they want a hug before you hug them
As their parent or caregiver, you can model this by not forcing your child to kiss you goodnight or by letting your them choose between brushing their own hair or having you help them.
Teaching Consent to Tweens (9–12)
Tweens are often beginning to spend more time online than they did when they were younger, and they’re likely beginning to see or hear more information about sex. According to a Thorn study, 1 in 7 kids aged 9–12 have even shared their own nudes. At this age, your tween’s friends and classmates might begin thinking about their first crushes, so it’s definitely a stage in which instilling healthy concepts is important.
1. Discuss Healthy Boundaries
Whether your tween has already had their first crush or you’re still bracing yourself for when they reach that stage, it’s a good idea to go ahead and open a conversation about what’s healthy and what isn’t. You can talk through identifying controlling behaviors from a partner, explain how to maintain a good sense of individuality within a relationship, and discuss how your child could stand up for their own wants and needs in a respectful way.
2. Talk About the Pressure to Send Nudes
There’s a bit of a “damned if you don’t; damned if you do” standard when it comes to sending nudes as a teen. The pressure to share these photos is often immense — especially in the context of two kids who are dating or “talking.”
But, when teens do acquiesce to this pressure, they face the risk of having their images and videos shared with others. Plus, it’s important to make sure your kid is aware of the legal ramifications of taking and sending nude images. Just make sure you approach the topic with empathy rather than lecturing them.
3. Practice Consent in Age-Appropriate Ways
At this stage, you can really drive home the fact that your tween has bodily autonomy. As they approach puberty, they may start to want a bit more privacy, so make sure to let them know that you respect that. Here are a couple of suggestions for how to teach this concept.
Talk about respecting their friends’ sensitive, personal information by not gossiping about it with other friends.
Explain how upsetting it can be to publicly share a picture of someone without their permission.
Have them ask before borrowing someone else’s clothing.
Let them say no to hugging relatives.
Teaching Consent to Teens (13–17)
Teens are probably being exposed to sex, whether they’re witnessing content online, hearing about friends’ experiences, or even engaging in it themselves. At this stage, it’s important to have regular conversations about consent and sexual safety. Here are some important points to hit.
1. Discuss Dating Standards
Once your kid hits their teen years, they are probably at least considering the idea of going on dates. Every family has different dating rules, but no matter your specific values, it’s important to talk through what consent looks like.
At this stage, your teen might begin having crushes on older kids, so chat about what age differences are appropriate and why. This can look like covering the maturity difference between a ninth grader and a senior, but you can also go over why it’s wrong for an adult to express a sexual or romantic interest in them. Explain that someone under the age of consent can never technically agree to sexual activity with an adult — no matter how mature your kid may feel they are for their age or how open they are to a sexual interaction.
You can also walk through more concrete scenarios, like what they should do if they want to kiss their crush but aren’t sure if they need to ask or not.
These conversations will definitely be tailored to your individual teen’s needs and maturity level, but don’t be afraid to talk about situations that they haven’t gone through yet. Sometimes, preparation is the best tool they can have.
2. Talk Through Cultural Messages
As a teen, your kid is being inundated with media more than ever before. Whether they have an active social media presence or their screen time is mostly watching TV right now, they’re receiving information about sex and relationships.
Use some of the things they’re seeing as natural conversation starters. For example, if there’s a toxic relationship on one of their favorite shows, ask them what they think about the couple.
Your teen is probably also hearing conflicting messages about whether being sexually active is wrong or not. At school, they might hear their classmates talk badly about a girl who’s already had sex, but also make fun of someone who doesn’t feel ready to have their first kiss yet. Remind your kid that — regardless of what they may be hearing — they can take things at their own pace.
3. Cover Sexual Violence
Depending on your teen’s needs, they may be ready for an in-depth conversation on sexual violence or they might need just the basics for now. Either way, it’s important to at least open the door to the topic so they’re equipped in case they encounter this situation one day.
Talk about the importance of waiting for a clear, enthusiastic “yes” before engaging in sexual contact, and cover what your kid should do if someone neglects to get consent. You can also walk through situations that might not seem as clear — like whether someone who’s pressuring another person to interact sexually is actually getting consent. (They’re not.)
