How to Help Prevent Online Grooming
Online grooming is a scary topic to think about — especially in relation to your own kid or teen. While it can sometimes feel hopeless when it comes to preventing them from experiencing it, there are still plenty of things you can do to help reduce the likelihood that your child will experience grooming or abuse.
Here are some recommendations for age-appropriate talking points, creating a plan in case something happens, modeling healthy tech boundaries, and more.
Establish Trust with your kid
One of the absolute most important things you can do to prevent your child from experiencing online grooming is to build a strong relationship with them — one in which they know they can trust you and come to you with any issues they may experience.
Oftentimes, kids and teens don’t reach out for help while experiencing grooming because they aren’t sure they won’t be punished or blamed for what has happened. You can work against this by showing your child that you are worthy of their trust, and that your top priority is their safety and wellbeing.
Talk Through Examples of Red Flags
It can be really challenging for kids to fully grasp what online grooming looks like unless they see it. Set aside some time to walk through clear, age-appropriate examples of red flags they should look for. Although having an initial conversation is important, these discussions should be ongoing, and shifting as your child’s needs and maturity level change. The more often you talk about online predation, the more empowered your kid will feel if they ever start to encounter it.
Example red flags for younger kids (under 10)
Kids under the age of 10 are probably not ready to have a candid discussion of online sex abuse, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t ready for you to lay the groundwork of online safety. Whether they use a family device or might have access to one at a friend’s house, having these conversations before you think something might happen will equip them to identify when something is wrong. Here are a few example approaches.
“Sometimes, people online might ask to see what you look like. Selfies are fun, but we don’t send them to people we don’t see in real life.”
“If you’re on your tablet someone, might ask you where you live or what school you go to. We don’t tell people that unless we see them in real life.”
“You’re very cute and very smart! But if someone on your tablet tells you that, come tell me so I can talk to them.”
“You know how you sometimes watch videos on your tablet? Sometimes, people send other people videos. If someone you don’t know in real life sends you a video, let me know so I can see it — even if the video makes you feel scared."
Example red flags for tweens (10–12)
Tweens are a little more ready to dive into the topic of online predation. While your kid is probably not ready for a super explicit explanation, they can probably handle something a little more serious.
“Even if you’re talking to someone who looks like they’re your age online, they might not be. Let’s try to make a fake Instagram account and see how easy it could be.”
“It feels great when people give us compliments — that’s super normal. Sometimes, though, people online give compliments so you will trust them.”
“It’s normal to have a crush on someone! That’s part of growing up. But if an adult online says they like you in that way, that’s something we will need to talk about. Even if they say you’re really mature for your age, that’s against the law and can really hurt you.”
“You might think that bad guys online always sound mean or like they’re trying to hurt you, but sometimes they actually act super nice so you’ll think they’re harmless.”
“Sometimes, bad guys ask to see a swimsuit pic of you because they’re pretending to look for models. If you’re interested in modeling or acting, let’s talk about that! But don’t trust anyone who tries to help you get into it online.”
example red flags for teens (13+)
By the time your child is a teen, they’re more developmentally ready to learn about more serious examples of grooming. If appropriate for them, you might even use Undercover Underage or a grooming news story to talk through something that actually happened.
“If anyone online asks to see a nude of you — even if it seems like they’re your age — it’s more than likely that they won’t be the only one seeing it… even if they say they would never show anyone else. Once they save it, they can post it or send it anywhere. Plus, sending it is technically a crime.”
“Sometimes, predators threaten to hurt your family or share your nudes if you don’t send them money or send them more nudes. They might even say they will hurt us if you tell us what’s happening. I want you to know that’s not true at all — no matter what they say, I can help you if that ever happens.”
“You’re very mature and responsible, but no matter how mature you are, you are not old enough to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with an adult. Even if they said they loved you, they would be breaking the law and taking advantage of you.”
“One thing predators can do online is pretend to be very, very nice. They might give you lots of compliments or tell you the internet is dangerous and they want to help you. Even though this may not seem like a scary situation, it’s their way of manipulating you and making you trust them.”
Put a Plan in Place
It can be tough for kids to know how to handle potential predation in the moment, when feelings may be running high. Instead of leaving those decisions until it’s necessary to make them, collaborate with your kid on a plan for what to do if they ever suspect (or actually experience) harm.
For example, you might say, “It probably will never happen, but if someone sends you an inappropriate photo, that can be really upsetting. If you’re ever in that situation, come talk to me so I can help you. I won’t get mad at you, blame you for anything you might have already said, or punish you for what happened. I’ll just help make sure you’re safe.”
Set (and Model) Healthy Tech Boundaries
One of your greatest opportunities to teach healthy tech use is by how you use it yourself. Conversations are necessary and powerful, but leading by example can make such a big difference. For example, if you’re telling your teen not to post public selfies on their social media account but then publicly post photos you’ve taken of them, they might feel confused or even upset with you.
You can also share messages you receive and talk about how you handled them. For example, saying “This random person messaged me on Instagram today and tried to convince me that they had an inappropriate photo of me. He said I would have to give him money or else he would send it to everyone I knew. I reported him to Instagram because that’s something people can do to scam you.”
Of course, adults and kids need different rules, but something as simple as putting your phone away at the dinner table or taking a screen time break to go on a walk is a great way to model healthy tech use for your child.
Continue Learning
Social media, teen trends, and grooming tactics are all always changing. And your kid probably is, too. Instead of approaching online safety as a topic to check off your list, think of it as something that needs regular maintenance. To make things just a bit easier on you, follow SOSA on Instagram to see new platform updates, parenting tips, and more.
